Chinese Premier on Pete Hegseth: “We don’t even have journalists to accidentally add to Signal chats!”

The United States was recently rocked by an enormous political scandal when a well-known journalist, Jeffrey Goldberg of the subversive publication The Atlantic, was added to a chat on the app Signal with high-ranking officials including Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth and Vice President J.D. Vance. Signal is an American-created app that allows users to conspire, plot, and promote anarchy without the government’s awareness, something unheard of in our great,  patriotic nation. Chinese leadership has been confounded by the scandal, unable to understand what a journalist is and how one would be added to a nonexistent app.

Chinese Premier Li Qiang shared his invaluably insightful perspective on China Central Television yesterday. “China is appalled that America continues to cling to its imperial traditions of allowing journalists to exist among its other subjects. These creatures, much like fairies or safe baby formula, are figments of people’s imagination. They simply cannot and should not exist in a modern, advanced society.”

Several lower level officials echoed Premier Li. “I mean, it’s like trying to understand how the Easter Bunny gained access to Santa’s Workshop. Neither of these things should exist and yet somehow, they may soon cause America’s collapse? It’s very confusing.”